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I want my boys to be strong

May 20, 2013 By 7 Comments

I want my boys to be strong. I am not talking about the size of their biceps or the weight of their bench press. As long as they are capable of carrying the groceries in from the car, then that is all the physical strength I need from them.

I want them to be strong in life.

I want them to be strong in feeling.

I want them to be able to feel all kinds of emotion and still thrive. I want them to take risks, to take on challenges, to look adversity in the eye, to scrape themselves off, to always find a way to keep going. I want them to know they are good enough. To know they are enough. They are imperfect, but they are enough.  I don’t think they can do that, without having real strength of feeling.

Strength to women it seems, is the ability to do all things at once, and all things well.

Strength to men, is not being perceived as weak.

Weak at anything.

I have counselled  fathers who have cried about not being able to provide. “Please don’t let them know I cried.” “They will think I am weak”. When a footballer cries on the football field, there are still some who see it as a sign of weakness. But how can he experience that true exhilaration of holding a premiership cup if he has never allowed himself to feel that pain?

We need fathers to say to their sons “me too”.  Or uncles, or friends, or grandparents. We need to be able to say “I know it hurts”. “I know it is embarrassing”. “I know you don’t know where to go from here”. Sometimes we need to let them lose. We must let our sons know that emotions need to be felt, to be lived and breathed and talked about and cried about, and shared. Only then can our kids know real joy. I have seen time and again well meaning parents trying to protect themselves and their kids from negative experiences creating a world that must be feared instead of lived. Instead we need to let them experience it all whilst they have the safety of the home to bounce from. Only then can they take those risks again. Only then can they believe in their ability to survive. To get up again. To turn to someone for help. To make real connections.

I want my kids to be happy. Of course everyone does.

But in order for that to happen. I need them to be strong.

 

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Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , , ,

How we survived being switched off technology as we disconnected to reconnect

May 14, 2013 By 26 Comments

We survived! Yes, 48 hours without technology. All switched off and disconnected in order to reconnect.

In actual fact I didn’t find it too hard as my weekend was crazy busy. Had I been sitting at home and not going to 3 different football matches, a lunch, a dinner, the shops and an afternoon of family in my home for Mothers Day I may have coped a little less easily.

Here is some of what disconnecting meant for us as a family:

  • I had to use a Melways to look up an address! There was no googling and going straight to google maps
  • I could not tweet to the world how fantastic my football team played on Friday night
  • Mr 9 got out the lego which he hadn’t done for a long time
  • I had to check the weather in the newspaper
  • Mr 11 had a slight meltdown on Saturday night. He couldn’t understand why we have technology if we arn’t allowed to use it. He thought it was a ridiculous idea in the first place, not something he had actually even agreed to (there was no choice my friend) and only stopped the whinging when I threatened to film him and put it on my blog for evidence as to why we should all disconnect at times. He soon got over it and went and jumped on the trampoline
  • My husband may have struggled not being able to check his dream team scores and checking race results
  • I read the whole of the weekend paper from front to back
  • I did have to check my Heartfelt page to organise an urgent photography session and could see that I had messages on Facebook  and had been tagged in photos. It was really quite hard to ignore them (I did though) and there was a slight sense of missing out on something
  • It was nice not to have to keep tabs on time limits and who was on what device or game and for how long etc
  • It was especially great not to listen to the “Spongebob Squarepants’ theme song
  • All the kids were happy to go and watch each others sport rather than stay home
When the time came to reconnect, surprisingly we all didnt race back to it as fast I thought we would! I actually had to really motivate myself just to turn it all back on, read the emails, answer them, check the Facebook page, finish editing photos etc. Whilst writing this now, the 9 year old has been home over an hour and hasnt picked up any technology but instead asked if he can make some choc chip cookies! Maybe he hasn’t realised he is allowed back on!
I understand that for kids who have only lived in a world of technology , switching off altogether can be seen as difficult…..but maybe something that we can incorporate in our lives more regularly…and still survive.

engineering

baking

jumping

 

constructing

 

What do you or would you miss the most without technology?

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Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, More Joy Less Stress, Technology and Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,

4 reasons why we need to switch off the technology and disconnect to reconnect

May 6, 2013 By 11 Comments

I do love technology and the changes it has made to my life. I can do lots of work from home and still be around for my kids. I can keep in contact with friends and family with very minimal effort. My kids benefit form the changes to learning and education. I have made great connections online that have resulted in great real life friendships. But. Sometimes I don’t like it so much. Sometimes it annoys me that it is another thing to nag about. It annoys me that it makes my kids grow up and see things before I want them to. It frustrates me that people can say things online they wouldn’t in real life. It makes me sad when I see people on it ALL the time.

So that is why I am going to Disconnect to Reconnect this Mothers Day weekend.

I need to make sure that myself and my kids get the balance right….or at least get a better balance.

Here are 4 reasons why I think we should all have a time to switch off and disconnect…….

Help with Time Limits

I have said it before and I will continue to nag it as my number one boundary to have regarding technology. Time limits are so important to help us all avoid so many different pitfalls. If we have time away and switch off all together, we are able to remind ourselves that we can get by without it. We can find other things to do and enjoy them too. We can connect with people on a different level. We can really be present.

Get in the trackies

Now I don’t wear trackies very often, and actually not in public unless I am participating in exercise. However I use the analogy of that feeling of getting home, taking off the heels, or the tight jeans and getting into something comfy and relaxing on the couch. That feeling of not caring who will see you means you can let it all hang out a bit. That’s how I think we need to feel with our online habits. When it comes to young people particularly, we know they feel ‘switched on’ socially all the time. They have to be present, ready for a selfie, ready to withstand the comments and feedback and friend requests and likes. Sometimes we all need a time to just ‘not care’ who is watching.

Find a new interest: its good to be bored

Last time I made my kids do this, my kids learnt how to play chess. They now have a great skill that they otherwise probably wouldn’t have had. If we are forced to look outside the square we may just find there are other pursuits waiting for us to explore. I could even pick up that guitar again…..

Remember the real life connections

Now I know the situation isn’t in such dire straits that our social skills are packing up and leaving us altogether!  It is important however, that we make ourselves truly present for each other. We need to sometimes remind ourselves to really listen. Not just mumbling an answer whilst you are in the middle of typing a blog post or answering an email. We need to take the time to listen and not just hear, and to look at each other without having one eye on a screen.

So wish me luck as we prepare to disconnect this weekend all in the name of charity and some fabulous personal benefits for the family as well.

If you haven’t done so already check out the Disconnect to Reconnect page on Facebook or go and sponsor me to raise money for disadvantaged kids to get the one on one attention they need.

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Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, Technology and Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: , ,

A very important Mothers Day present: Disconnecting to Reconnect

April 19, 2013 By 13 Comments

I remember spending my first Mothers Day in the Royal Childrens Hospital with my new baby and I was given a little card with his handprints and a poem. It was definitely the best Mothers Day gift ever, as I also found out that day that we would soon be going home and that he was going to be OK. As the Mothers Day’s have added up over time I have been blessed with all manner of home made cards, little photo frames that magnet to the fridge, hand creams, face washers, chocolates, candles and book marks. I’ve loved all these presents, but even more so the excitement in the giving and the exuberant explanations as to why you need to have that replica croc shoe that doubles as a phone cover.

 

This year, whilst still grateful to accept all Mothers Day stall paraphernalia, I am asking for something a little different from my boys.

 

This year I am asking for the gift of ‘connectedness’.

That’s right. For one whole Mothers Day weekend our whole family is switching off the technology. No ipod music, no Kik, no Instagram, no Wii, no  Xbox, no Minecraft, no Facebook, no Twitter,no Skype. And yes this will be a challenge for the adults in the house just as much as the kids. [Read more...]

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Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, More Joy Less Stress, Technology and Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

4 things I do everyday to keep my kids safe online

March 25, 2013 By 16 Comments

Despite being a cyber safety consultant and counsellor of many families that have struggled with online safety issues, my most important job is as a mother to 5 boys. There is no greater motivation for me to research the best ways to ensure responsible online use than the social, emotional and physical safety of my own children.

As a result there are many different ways I advocate for this to happen. There are many strategies, settings and skills that parents and kids need to understand. A few weeks ago I told you about the 4 things parents shouldn’t do with their kids online. Today, I am am reversing this to share with you the 4 things that I am doing everyday to help keep my kids safe online.

 

1. Remain a step ahead

From the toddler to the teen we always need to be a step ahead. Many parents believe this is nigh on impossible as our kids know so much. This is true. But we are the wise ones (or supposed to be) so use those understandings of human nature, cause and effect and consequence to keep ahead of our kids, even if they are a step ahead in the technology. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling left behind and thus refuse to attempt to understand. I may not know every app my kids are on but I am aware of what is out there, the skills they need to handle certain online interactions and I am constantly reminding them of the traps that others fall into. [Read more...]

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Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, Technology and Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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