Grief

A Poem of loss….for us and too many others

March 1, 2013 By Martine 23 Comments

Something a little different this week.

5 years ago today my brave little girl lost her fight for life. I have been loved and supported by so many in that time. On the day of her funeral my beautiful and talented friend Lucy wrote and read a poem for us. I thought it should be shared. In my work as representative for Heartfelt, I hear almost every day of others enduring loss. So here it is, a poem for us and for too many others….

Our hearts will seem useless to a mother and father

whose child has gone like the days last sun-

but we will offer them anyway.

Our hearts with a room to hold their grief

to hold it up to the light

and see it drifting down to cover these people who dared to love

All words will appear clumsy and common

but we should open our mouths and say them.

Words with the warmth to build a fire

in a dark room of a future night

This is a poem for loss

to tell you we saw you love your daughter boldly and purely before she left

to tell you we know you will love her still

Her smile mirrored in the smile of the boys you will keep.

This is what we can offer-

the ink drying on the page

our restless sleep in which we dream to save her

our waking hours if you should need us

and the cruel confusion of all sorrow

and not knowing where to go now

into the changed day.

by Lucy Williams

Filed Under: Grief Tagged With: Grief, loss, poem, Remembering

Today my little girl would have been five: Heartfelt memories

October 17, 2012 By Martine 43 Comments

Today my little girl would have turned 5. She would be getting ready to start school next year. She would have had nearly 2 wondrous years of kinder, playing games, making friends, bringing home enormous amounts of art and craft that I would admire, put on display for a little while and then secretly duck out to the recycling when she wasn’t looking. I don’t think of the milestones that were never reached very often. Maybe because I am so busy with the milestones of her brothers. Maybe because I am too busy with life, work and family commitments. Or maybe because it is just too painful.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about her. I don’t think there is a single thing I do in life now that I cant relate back to what she has given me. In my work I want people to enjoy their families. I want them to know how precious these moments are and I want them to do all they can to take away the stress and bring back more of the joy. For my own family I want to experience this joy with them. I don’t want to wish away years waiting for that next stage. I don’t want to stress over the little things and forget the bigger picture. I don’t want to spend each day disciplining and yelling and nagging. I do those things when I have to. But I don’t want to be consumed by them.

People often ask me how I can volunteer for Heartfelt and be reminded daily of the loss that families experience. I have 4 months worth of photos of my little girl and I treasure every one. Every day when I take a call from a family who would like some photos, I feel a little of their pain. I do. But I want them to know that they will smile again. I want them to know that there will be days that are so dark that they are not sure they will ever see light again. But I want them to know that they will. They will laugh again. They will find joy in little things. They will have dark days again. And moments. And hours. And even months. But they will keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. They will even come to a time when they can smile at their photos. Not always. But sometimes. I want them to know that sometimes its good enough just to breathe. And other times they will feel so happy that for a moment they will feel guilty. It is then they will remember, that they are determined to be happy for that little life that couldn’t be. That they owe it to that life cut short to live each day the best way they know how. I know my photos, keeping her memory alive, help me to do just that.

If you haven’t heard of Heartfelt and the amazing organisation that it is, then please visit the website and share.

R u Ok?

September 13, 2012 By Martine 6 Comments

Last night I asked someone I had never met “Are you ok?” What followed was a 30 minute conversation on grief and loss. This wasn’t my intention, but it was obvious she needed to talk. I didn’t have to say much. She did a lot of the talking. But I let her talk. She needed to talk.

Today is R U Ok day and hopefully everywhere around the world people are connecting with others. Both those that they know and those they don’t .

Helping someone deal with grief, depression, sadness or loss is often seen as challenging, awkward and confronting. Mostly people are worried about saying the wrong thing.

Mostly they wont.

Sometimes it is just being next to them.

Sometimes it is walking past them on a busy school morning, putting a chocolate in their hand, squeezing their shoulder and moving on.

Sometimes it is staying up all night drinking cups of tea.

Sometimes it is long walks talking about nothing much.

Sometimes it is simply asking “R u ok?”

Always it is letting them know you care.

Filed Under: Grief, More Joy Less Stress Tagged With: connecting, coping, Grief

Grief to Me

February 14, 2012 By Martine 28 Comments

There are many similiarities in the way people deal with grief, but overwhelmingly, grief is a very individual experience. Lately I have heard many people asking for advice on how to process their grief or indeed how to go on living with the seemingly unbearable pain of loss. Many are often wanting reassurance that what they are feeling is normal. They want to know if and how it changes. They sometimes want to know strategies on how to move forward. They want to know if there is a timeframe. They want to know how it is they will ever feel joy again. These answers will always vary.

Here is how my grief has looked and will continue to look. It may be similiar to others. It may be completely different. What it does highlight is that it is disorganised, untimely, sometimes static and sometimes everchanging….but it can only ever be yours.

Grief to me

It is screaming so hard that you thought you might die or wish that you could.

It is that stabbing pain at the sudden intrusion to your daily walk

It is avoiding certain people

It is going to certain people

It is avoiding certain places

It is going to certain places

It is smiling at a past memory

It is gasping for air at a past memory

It is throwing things in anger

It is crying tears of joy for the happiness you see in your childrens eyes

It is heartache in the pit of your stomach camoflaged by a smile

It is snide remarks about others that you say only to yourself

It is picking up those around you

It is being picked up

It is rejoicing in a new life

It is fear

It is a gazillion cups of tea

It is hating some songs

It is loving more deeply

It is surprising yourself with laughter

It is holding a little bit tighter

It is forgiving more quickly

It is holding a grudge

It is walking at night not caring if you are safe

It is dreading a certain day, a time and a season

It is feeling joy like you never thought you would

It is hoping

It is all consuming

It is unending

It is a sole source of inspiration

It is mine

Filed Under: Grief Tagged With: coping, Grief, loss, memories, Remembering

Grief, birthdays and remembering

October 17, 2011 By Martine 13 Comments

I struggled with a title for this post and also about the content as well. It could have been about friendships and how they have helped me in my grief. It was also going to be about remembering people on their birthdays and imagining all that they would be doing had they lived. It could also have been about the ‘sliding doors’ theory of how one moment in time can alter the course of so many lives from there on in. It could also have been about contemplating how old siblings need to be before they can understand that they should have had a ‘big’ sister. Will they then think they may not have been born? Would they have in fact been born?

But today I don’t really feel like writing. So instead I will share a photo of these gorgeous pink roses from a friends garden. She chased me down the road and handed them to me after I’d dropped the other kids at school, and simply said “You know I’m always thinking of you”. Those 4 pink roses represent the four years today since my little girl was born. I am so grateful to have so many beautiful family and friends who will never let my baby girl be forgotten.