Survive and even thrive in the modern world of parenting
Last week I linked up with Naomi from Seven Cherubs for her series on “Cherishing the Cherubs” and we looked at Recording aspects of our childrens lives to help us remember the little things as well as the big things.
Today the title for the link up is simply Remembering.
And today and every day I remember my precious daughter Ava.
17/10/2007 – 1/3/2008
I remember her beautiful smile. I remember her bravery. I remember that I am a better mum for having had her in my life.
Recently somebody asked me if I knew the sex of my unborn child. “Yes we do” I replied proudly, “we are having another little boy”. Ready for the “oh how lovely” or the “wow that’s great but wont you be busy”, I was somewhat taken aback by the look of pity and dismay that accompanied the “but you already have 4 boys, Oh my God you poor thing”….“Will you try again for a girl?” As I mumbled a rather pathetic, “Oh no we are really excited and love our other boys so why wouldn’t we love this one”, I decided then to give in and smile politely and respond resolutely that, ‘no this was to be our last’. Is it because I have so many boys that it is deemed I should need a daughter, or worse still that I should not even want another son? Should I be already thinking about moving this one along so as I can get to work on making way for another “shot” at a little girl? Would they have said that if they knew that we did in fact have a daughter who tragically passed away at 5 months of age? I guess not, as most who know me and know of our situation are more than elated when we inform them of the prospect of a new baby boy. They know the pain we endured and still do at the loss of a child. They know that whilst the child we have had and the subsequent child we will have following the death of our daughter have filled an enormous hole for us and provided myself and my family with untold joy. And they know these precious babies will never go near to replacing her, regardless of their gender. [Read more...]
As Mothers Day approaches, I have been thinking about the presents I have to buy, the wondrous gifts I am about to receive from the proud shoppers at the primary school Mothers Day Stall and the fact that breakfast in bed will probably be a quick downing of Vegemite toast and a cup of tea before rushing off to the cold and fog of an early morning football game.
But it has also had me thinking more and more about my beautiful Nanna and the fact that this is the very first Mothers Day that we wont have her with us. And sadder still, this is the very first time that my mum wont have her mum with her on Mother’s Day. Like any times of celebration and appreciation, it can also be a time of sadness and reflection for times that were or could have been. I also think at this time of how there is one child that should be, but won’t be, jumping on my bed and making me a card each Mothers Day. I think too of those friends and family who for whatever reasons were unable to have the children they so desperately wanted, and thus don’t have any little people to help make them breakfast in bed. [Read more...]
My previous posts have looked at helping children grieve and how a childs age and development can determine their reaction to grief. I will finish this by looking at some concrete ways in which we can help support our children through these difficult times.
Provide a safe place for them to vent their emotions. This can be done through play, through drawing , through listening to or playing music or by writing a letter or keeping a journal. Writing (or keeping a blog) is a great way to help you make sense of all that is in your head, and can help to get your feelings and emotions into some sort of perspective.
Allow children time to talk, ask questions and answer as truthfully as you can, in ways they can understand. Remembering that children process grief quite differently depending on their age and development.
Stick to as many family routines as you can. Children need to know that the world will still go on, despite the sadness and upheaval that surrounds them. Children thrive on routines and it is helpful for them to maintain a sense of stability and security. [Read more...]
Whilst children respond very differently to the loss of a loved one, there does appear to be some identifiable patterns of behaviour largely determined by the age and developmental stage of the child. For us as parents this is useful in helping us determine the type of support we can offer our children. It can also help us come up with some strategies to help our children, and subsequently ourselves, in coming to terms with the whole grieving process.
In my last post Helping Children Grieve, I spoke about the different ways in which children respond to grief and the underlying need to have that grief acknowledged whatever the response. [Read more...]
