I want my boys to be strong. I am not talking about the size of their biceps or the weight of their bench press. As long as they are capable of carrying the groceries in from the car, then that is all the physical strength I need from them.

I want them to be strong in life.

I want them to be strong in feeling.

I want them to be able to feel all kinds of emotion and still thrive. I want them to take risks, to take on challenges, to look adversity in the eye, to scrape themselves off, to always find a way to keep going. I want them to know they are good enough. To know they are enough. They are imperfect, but they are enough.  I don’t think they can do that, without having real strength of feeling.

Strength to women it seems, is the ability to do all things at once, and all things well.

Strength to men, is not being perceived as weak.

Weak at anything.

I have counselled  fathers who have cried about not being able to provide. “Please don’t let them know I cried.” “They will think I am weak”. When a footballer cries on the football field, there are still some who see it as a sign of weakness. But how can he experience that true exhilaration of holding a premiership cup if he has never allowed himself to feel that pain?

We need fathers to say to their sons “me too”.  Or uncles, or friends, or grandparents. We need to be able to say “I know it hurts”. “I know it is embarrassing”. “I know you don’t know where to go from here”. Sometimes we need to let them lose. We must let our sons know that emotions need to be felt, to be lived and breathed and talked about and cried about, and shared. Only then can our kids know real joy. I have seen time and again well meaning parents trying to protect themselves and their kids from negative experiences creating a world that must be feared instead of lived. Instead we need to let them experience it all whilst they have the safety of the home to bounce from. Only then can they take those risks again. Only then can they believe in their ability to survive. To get up again. To turn to someone for help. To make real connections.

I want my kids to be happy. Of course everyone does.

But in order for that to happen. I need them to be strong.

We survived! Yes, 48 hours without technology. All switched off and disconnected in order to reconnect.

In actual fact I didn’t find it too hard as my weekend was crazy busy. Had I been sitting at home and not going to 3 different football matches, a lunch, a dinner, the shops and an afternoon of family in my home for Mothers Day I may have coped a little less easily.

Here is some of what disconnecting meant for us as a family:

• I had to use a Melways to look up an address! There was no googling and going straight to google maps
• I could not tweet to the world how fantastic my football team played on Friday night
• Mr 9 got out the lego which he hadn’t done for a long time
• I had to check the weather in the newspaper
• Mr 11 had a slight meltdown on Saturday night. He couldn’t understand why we have technology if we arn’t allowed to use it. He thought it was a ridiculous idea in the first place, not something he had actually even agreed to (there was no choice my friend) and only stopped the whinging when I threatened to film him and put it on my blog for evidence as to why we should all disconnect at times. He soon got over it and went and jumped on the trampoline
• My husband may have struggled not being able to check his dream team scores and checking race results
• I read the whole of the weekend paper from front to back
• I did have to check my Heartfelt page to organise an urgent photography session and could see that I had messages on Facebook  and had been tagged in photos. It was really quite hard to ignore them (I did though) and there was a slight sense of missing out on something
• It was nice not to have to keep tabs on time limits and who was on what device or game and for how long etc
• It was especially great not to listen to the “Spongebob Squarepants’ theme song
• All the kids were happy to go and watch each others sport rather than stay home

engineering

baking

jumping

constructing

What do you or would you miss the most without technology?

This Mothers Day I will be thinking of my beautiful daughter who I only got to hold for 4 and a half months

This Mothers Day I will be thinking of my two Nannas no longer with me.

This Mothers Day I will be thinking of my family and friends who desperately wanted to be a mother but couldn’t

This Mothers Day I will be thinking of all those who are having their first Mothers Day without their mum

This Mothers Day I will be thinking of Rachel from Mummas Muddles having to live through her first Mothers Day without her beautiful Hamish

This Mothers Day I will be thinking of how thankful I am to have my own amazing mum so present in everything I do

This Mothers Day I am thinking about how much my mum must be missing her mum……as I desperately do everyday

This Mothers Day I am thinking of how very blessed I am to be the mother to the 5 most amazing boys in all the world.

Who will you be thinking of this Mothers Day? 

I do love technology and the changes it has made to my life. I can do lots of work from home and still be around for my kids. I can keep in contact with friends and family with very minimal effort. My kids benefit form the changes to learning and education. I have made great connections online that have resulted in great real life friendships. But. Sometimes I don’t like it so much. Sometimes it annoys me that it is another thing to nag about. It annoys me that it makes my kids grow up and see things before I want them to. It frustrates me that people can say things online they wouldn’t in real life. It makes me sad when I see people on it ALL the time.

So that is why I am going to Disconnect to Reconnect this Mothers Day weekend.

I need to make sure that myself and my kids get the balance right….or at least get a better balance.

Here are 4 reasons why I think we should all have a time to switch off and disconnect…….

Help with Time Limits

I have said it before and I will continue to nag it as my number one boundary to have regarding technology. Time limits are so important to help us all avoid so many different pitfalls. If we have time away and switch off all together, we are able to remind ourselves that we can get by without it. We can find other things to do and enjoy them too. We can connect with people on a different level. We can really be present.

Get in the trackies

Now I don’t wear trackies very often, and actually not in public unless I am participating in exercise. However I use the analogy of that feeling of getting home, taking off the heels, or the tight jeans and getting into something comfy and relaxing on the couch. That feeling of not caring who will see you means you can let it all hang out a bit. That’s how I think we need to feel with our online habits. When it comes to young people particularly, we know they feel ‘switched on’ socially all the time. They have to be present, ready for a selfie, ready to withstand the comments and feedback and friend requests and likes. Sometimes we all need a time to just ‘not care’ who is watching.

Find a new interest: its good to be bored

Last time I made my kids do this, my kids learnt how to play chess. They now have a great skill that they otherwise probably wouldn’t have had. If we are forced to look outside the square we may just find there are other pursuits waiting for us to explore. I could even pick up that guitar again…..

Remember the real life connections

Now I know the situation isn’t in such dire straits that our social skills are packing up and leaving us altogether!  It is important however, that we make ourselves truly present for each other. We need to sometimes remind ourselves to really listen. Not just mumbling an answer whilst you are in the middle of typing a blog post or answering an email. We need to take the time to listen and not just hear, and to look at each other without having one eye on a screen.

So wish me luck as we prepare to disconnect this weekend all in the name of charity and some fabulous personal benefits for the family as well.

If you haven’t done so already check out the Disconnect to Reconnect page on Facebook or go and sponsor me to raise money for disadvantaged kids to get the one on one attention they need.

Hearing the words whine “I’m bored…there’s nothing to do” is not really a new phenomena for kids either from my day or with todays ‘fix it now/immediate relief/rarely have to wait for anything’ generation. Now when I was young we certainly had less distractions at hand and so we had no choice but to go and make our own fun (Man I am sounding ridiculously older than I believe I am). These days it is no surprise our kids struggle more and we can’t really blame them when they can easily be entertained at the swipe of a finger or turn of joystick. Now I am in fact pre-empting these very cries of boredom when my kids indulge me in my Mothers Day gift of particpating in the DISconnect to REconnect challenge.

I imagine they may not outwardly relish the opportunity to switch off all forms of technology for a whole weekend. But I shall be ready. I will have this list close at hand to ensure there is no room or time for boredom protestations. We may do some of them, certainly not others…but here they are, my 30 things to do that do not require technology: 

1. Play a board game…..al la Chess/Monopoly/Yahtzee/Snap
2. Go for a bike ride
3. Kick the footy
4. Organise a family cricket match
5. Play Celebrity head/20 Questions
6. Pack a picnic lunch and go to the park
7. Bake a cake/decorate biscuits
8. Make up a dance routine and perform to the family (one of my childhood favourites)
9. Perform a play or act out a favourite book
10. Do a big jigsaw puzzle together
11. Go outside with a camera (the old fashioned ‘not on a phone’ one) and take some family photos
12. Look through old family albums and talk about some family history
13. Write a poem or a letter (something I would love but probably not so much my children unless it was required homework)
14. Get a hammer, some wood and some nails and get to making something
15. Make a kite or paper aeroplanes and see if they fly
16. Plant some plants  (I may not do that one as I am not very good at keeping them alive)
17. Learn a new skill….sew,knit, play an instrument
18. Build a bonfire and cook marshmellows (parental supervision required)
19. Collect things and get creative with them…shells, leaves, acorns
20. Make a billy-cart. Matt from DadDownunder proves you don’t need to have fancy materials to make a great cart! Check this one out
21. Get the family singing along for a good ole jam session (this is more likely to happen if we are around the more musically gifted of my extend family)
22. Bubble bath, wine and a good book…nice sentiment, but probably not going to happen!
23. Go to a beach you have never been to before
24. Go for a drive up the mountain, any mountain, just one higher than where you are currently situated
25. Explore a country town you have never visited
26. Take a bus, train or tram ride  and get off at a new stop or station
27. Find out where a friend/neighbour/cousin is playing junior sport and go along to cheer them on
28. Visit new or old friends
29. Get the kids to clean out their cupboards and fill bags with old clothes and toys for the op shop (yes, not likely to have them jumping out of their skin for this one)

If you are joining in to DISconnect to REconnect or if you are just sick of hearing the words “I’m bored”…feel free to print off this list and work your way through it!

And here is the link to my fundraising page to help disadvantaged kids get the one on one time they need.

What sorts of things do you do together as a family that doesn’t involve technology?

Easter this year saw us revisit our camping ground at Halls Gap for another fabulous long weekend of family, friends, fun, chocolate, wine, food and more food. I say camping ground but for those that know me you are probably aware camping is not a common practise of mine. We were in fact staying in fairly comfortable 2 bedroom cabins but that is not really the point.  That aside, my trip to The Grampians also by default ensured I had a good practice run for my weekend of disconnecting to reconnect. It soon became apparent my phone had very little service for phone calls and texting and zero access to the online world. Usually a catastrophe of epic proportion! Instead I took a deep breath and decided to enjoy the novelty. As an added bonus there was no xbox, Wii or  Minecraft so the kids had to find other entertainment as well. Not that they found this difficult as there were so many kids and so much space to play they never really had time to get bored.

The kids played footy, had easter egg hunts, went in search of kangaroos and had running race after running race after running race .

It is a great weekend for our kids to connect. To connect with us and to connect with friends. A few years ago the kids all decided to build a cubby house on the grounds. They proudly made a sign that said ‘Kids Cubby’, carefully displayed it atop their house and showed off their engineering feats with great pride. The owner of the park kept their sign and every year on our return he brings it out for the kids to rebuild their masterpiece.

And as for me. I actually didn’t miss the technology like I thought I would. Sure there was some frustration when I couldn’t receive or reply to messages, but I got around  it.

Once again it showed me that if our kids are left to their own devices they can make their own fun. We are forever berating the laziness and lack of creativity of our kids today but in essence they are no different to us. We just didn’t have the access to the easy entertainment our kids do today. It is up to us as parents to give them the opportunities to explore, connect, to create , to get bored, to try other things.

That is why I am passionate about getting my kids to disconnect to reconnect this Mothers Day weekend. We know the benefits of having a break physically and emotionally from the technology and we are more aware of the importance of time limits and balance when it comes to being connected to the online world.

For more information on  Disconnecting to Reconnect, go to last weeks blog post and check out the  D2R facebook page. Aside from the personal benefits of disconnecting, the campaign will raise much needed funds for the very special work done by Edmund Rice camps in giving disadvantaged kids the individual care and attention and mentoring at organised camps around Australia. To dontate go to everydayhero.com.au/martine_oglethorpe. My role as spokesperson for Disconnect to Reconnect is completely voluntary.

What sorts of things does your family do together that doesn’t involve technology?

I remember spending my first Mothers Day in the Royal Childrens Hospital with my new baby and I was given a little card with his handprints and a poem. It was definitely the best Mothers Day gift ever, as I also found out that day that we would soon be going home and that he was going to be OK. As the Mothers Day’s have added up over time I have been blessed with all manner of home made cards, little photo frames that magnet to the fridge, hand creams, face washers, chocolates, candles and book marks. I’ve loved all these presents, but even more so the excitement in the giving and the exuberant explanations as to why you need to have that replica croc shoe that doubles as a phone cover.

This year, whilst still grateful to accept all Mothers Day stall paraphernalia, I am asking for something a little different from my boys.

This year I am asking for the gift of ‘connectedness’.

That’s right. For one whole Mothers Day weekend our whole family is switching off the technology. No ipod music, no Kik, no Instagram, no Wii, no  Xbox, no Minecraft, no Facebook, no Twitter,no Skype. And yes this will be a challenge for the adults in the house just as much as the kids.

But oh what fun we will rediscover! I know my request will be met with eye rolling and protestations but I will remind them that they did it last year and I will also remind them that they survived. They also came away with a whole new appreciation for their bikes and  boardgames.  The 3rd son ended up playing in the State chess competition this year as well as having a newfound connection with his grandpa to challenge him in a game of chess every time he visits.

This year I have also been asked to be an official spokesperson for the Disconnect to Reconnect challenge. As a cyber safety consultant and lover of all things technical, it is a great way for me to push my beliefs that technology can be a great asset to our lives, but it must be treated with respect and we must always have limits with its use.

Aside from the benefits of  connecting with your family, the challenge of disconnecting to reconnect is all about raising funds for a very important charity to help kids who don’t  always have the opportunity to connect one on one with other role models. The Edmund Rice camps  provide disadvantaged children with exactly that.

And if you think that 48 hours is too hard you can take up the other challenge which is to organise a 2 hour community or family event that gets people interacting, playing, communicating….all with no technology in sight.

Please go and like the Disconnect to Reconnect Facebook page at Facebook.com/d2r…and if it doesnt suit you to participate this time, then you can sponsor my family instead!  Simply go to everydayhero.com.au/martine_oglethorpe

Do you have times when your family must all switch off and disconnect from the technology? Is this something your family could/should do?

When it comes to the common behaviours, beliefs and values of today’s kids, we are often hearing sweeping statements such as “kids of today…”, “”we didn’t have to….when I was young”, “they don’t know how good they’ve got it” etc etc

So what are kids really like today? Well in reality they are probably no different to the kids that I hung out with or my parents hung out with. What is different however, is the world in which they are growing up in. I am often reading and researching different statistics as well as interviewing and counselling children on their behaviours and thoughts and so I thought I would compile for you some of the major recurring themes of what the ‘average’ kid is doing and thinking today.  (All stats are from my own surveys with teens and from McAfees recent survey)

They want to be private

They want to be private, but mostly they are not. Or at least they want privacy from ‘oldies’ but forget they are hanging out in a public playground that allows viewing by all ages.

• 95% don’t know all their Facebook friends.
• 75% of teens surveyed had between 500 and 1000 friends
• Most are only thinking of 5 to 10 people who they are aiming their status update at when they post, despite the majority having over 500 friends

They live in the moment

Often this is a good thing and we don’t want kids to fret about the past or worry too much about the future. With the advances of the online world however, looking beyond the immediate is a something all kids do need to start thinking about.

• 45% of teens don’t think about the repercussions of posts in terms of  future employment or school and university entrance despite us knowing that most employers and school registrars will always ‘google’ potentials.

They’re not always having fun online

Despite our beliefs that kids want to be online all the time and they are having a great time online, this is not always the case.

• 62% of kids have experienced negativity online
• 1 in 4 have experienced bullying

Sometimes kids even actually enjoy the chance to get offline, which usually has to be enforced by others as they struggle to get off it on their own accord. Once they do they have been known to actually ‘enjoy the break’ and the feeling of being socially switched on.

Some of their parents are still naive

• Of the 62% of kids who had bad experiences, only 25% of their parents knew about these negative experiences
• 80% of parents say they have had discussions about online privacy but 66% of teens say their parents don’t know all the places they ‘hang out’ online.
• 37% have blocked posts from their parents on Facebook
• 85% of parents believe that cyber safety is something that needs addressing once kids are over 10, despite kids as young as 1 swiping iPads, a large majority of 6 and 7 year olds on social networking sites such as Moshi Monsters and Instagram and despite 11 being the average age a child sees online pornography.
• Many parents still believe Facebook is their greatest concern despite them having a multitude of other sites and apps where they are spending their time.

Whilst we know that averages and statistics are just that, it is interesting to take a glimpse of some of the findings that come from studies and observations of today’s kids. Do any of these findings surprise you, or do you think they represent some of the kids you know?

Do we need to keep labelling our kids? Must we prod and probe every behaviour, mood, emotion, flip out, tantrum and bad day until we have a definitive name, strategy or prescription? Could we sometimes just take a step back and take each kid on their own merits? Maybe look at their individual circumstance? Or do we need to constantly evaluate and categorise in order to give each child the best chance at collective strategising and access to the best start in life?

Firstly let me say there are definitely occasions when a diagnoses is warranted and should be sought out to give kids the greatest chance of living with certain conditions. We know that early intervention can have an enormous impact on the outcomes of children who suffer certain challenges . So that is not who I am talking about.

I read recently that ‘toddler tantrum syndrome’ was actually being discussed as a psychological disorder to be added to the DSM-V, which is the official medical diagnostic journal put out by the American Psychiatric Association and used by the medical profession worldwide. Actually it will be called Temper Dysregulation Disorder. I didn’t make that up.   I also read that there is a possibility grief will be added as a psychological disorder as well.  This scares me to say the least. It may seem far fetched but with diagnoses like these, doping a kid up with some drug to curb the effects of toddler tantrum syndrome could be an all too common reality.

Does giving a diagnoses of ‘something’ give people an excuse to continue certain behaviours? Do we miss whats going on due to the ‘get out’ of a label? We now know more and more about the ability of the brain to make changes over time and be worked on like any other muscle. If we label someone, are we assuming this is not possible? Are we assuming it is what it is and we ought not try to change?

When I worked for an organisation that counselled kids, nearly every single child I saw came with some preordained ‘condition’, ‘illness’ or ‘diagnoses’. In the end I started to ignore these as despite more often than not being incorrect, they stopped me from being able to look at the bigger picture. The boy that was apparently suffering ‘ADHD, Conduct Disorder and had been on and off depression medication since he was 5′ was in fact suffering from ” a father that willingly left him to make a new life with a new family and a mother who was never home due to trying to hold down 2 jobs’ syndrome. I also counselled a girl whose “willful anger management issues” were more to do with not having a bed to call her own and a mother who cared less if she turned up to school rather than some inbuilt psychological disorder. It was a bed, support and good role models that were needed rather than anger management strategies.

Sometimes labels are good. They give people answers they have craved. They give them strategies. They give them support. They may even give them funding and  access to resources. Sometimes there are not always labels for our kids however. Sometimes they don’t fit neatly onto any spectrum, disability or disorder evaluation questionnaire. For these kids no label means they may in fact be further disadvantaged. Had they fit nicely into a group of behaviours or disabilities, they may have had greater access to help and support.

This is where the labels frustrate me. I hope one day we can look at each child as an individual. A child that needs to have all aspects of their life assessed to see where the help is needed and why. I hope one day a child can just have a range of issues that need addressing individually. I hope that we can teach our kids to their  strengths rather than moulding them into the ‘norm’ or making allowances because of their ‘label’.  Sometimes I think it is heading that way, then I hear about medical professionals, educators and parents trying desperately to explain why Johnny has a tantrum that is unreasonable, or  why Sally prefers her own company at preschool to others. Is it so bad to call little Johnny or Sally just a bit ‘different’ to some of the others? Maybe there are other elements at play.

“I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I’ve never been able to believe it. I don’t believe a rose WOULD be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage.”  L.M.Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

What do you think about labelling our kids? Are we over doing it? Do we need to take a step back and let them be kids for a while. Or is this too simplistic? I would love to know your thoughts. Or if your chid was diagnosed with something, how does that label help or hinder your child? Do you know their thoughts on being given a label? 

There was a documentary we sat down to watch with the 10 and 12 year old last week about a football team from America in the 60′s. It was the story of Ole Miss, the Mississippi University where riots ensued after JFK overruled the University Chancellor to allow James Meredith entry into the University as the first African American. The hate and discrimination was perplexing to say the least to our 2 boys. “Are they seriously protesting because he is black? It’s just skin colour?” We then proceeded to elaborate on the civil rights movement and the origins of the racism. What pleased me most I guess was the absolute disbelief that our kids showed. It is just not part of their world that people are discriminated against for skin colour or ethnicity. I know this is not necessarily the case for all kids but in this instance , we have certainly come a long way. They showed genuine empathy for Meredith and for all the African American children that were denied basic human rights. “But aren’t they exactly the same as the other kids?”.

I started thinking about this empathy that my kids felt and wondered how much it extends to other areas of life and discrimination. Empathy is such an important asset, particularly when dealing with bullies both online and in the real world. We know how important the bystander is in helping to curb bullying, and we know the bystander can only be effective if they have an ability to feel empathy.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is more than sympathy or feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is the ability to really put yourself in someone else’ shoes. It is taking on another’s perspective with the self awareness to distinguish ones own feelings from the feelings of others. Empathic behaviour means being aware of the environment and circumstance of others in order to regulate ones own emotional response.

For some kids, empathy comes naturally. Sometimes it is a direct result of experience. For others, it needs to be consciously taught, nurtured and encouraged.

How can parents encourage empathy?

Help them to express their feelings

Teaching our kids to express their feelings vocally is proven to have many benefits in helping them recognise the feelings of others. When a small child is seen to share with a friend or brother, remind them that they are being kind or generous or friendly. Likewise getting kids to recognise that someone has made them feel sad or angry helps them to express and recognise emotions.

Helping kids recognise non verbal cues is also a good way to teach empathy. As this is an area of difficulty to kids on the Autism spectrum, some of the exercises to help this can also be used to help all kids become aware of others feelings. Getting our kids to tell us why someone looks happy or sad or angry by way of physical movements and facial expressions as evidence or clues is good way to do this.

 Develop morality and inner self control

This should be based on a real sense of right and wrong, not merely by a network of punishments. Kids need to really understand why it is wrong to single out others because of a difference or disability, not just because they will get in trouble. If kids are given rational explanations and moral consequences for nasty behaviour they are more likely to recognise these situations in the future as something to stand up for.  Using statements such as  “It hurts your brother when you say those things as it makes him feel like he isn’t good enough” rather than “If you tease your brother again you are going to your room” will ensure they are looking at the moral reasons for the punishment rather than simply the inconvenience of going to their room.

 Teach Mindfulness

Whilst this psychotherapeutic technique occurs in many psychologist rooms, mindfulness can be exercised by everyone, including the very young. Put simply, mindfulness is about living in the present, not stressing about the future or worrying about the past. It is about learning to think with curiosity and kindness rather than always with critical or negative judgement. So basically encouraging our kids to sometimes just sit back and ‘smell the roses’. Keeping a gratitude diary or getting kids to think of 3 great things that happened to them that day can be a good way of encouraging them to enjoy the moments.

 Set an example and be a good role model

We all know the very best way to get our kids to learn any positive behaviours is by role modelling these behaviours ourselves. Explain why you are making a casserole for a sick friend. Get kids to help pack up bags for a charity. Show concern for another player on the opposition football team when they get hurt. (I may have some transparent limits to this one). Everyday we can find opportunities to model empathic feelings and behaviours and we can always extend these to share with our kids. Watching the documentary about James Meredith and the subsequent riots was a great way for us to teach our kids more about the devastating consequences of discriminating. When we hear about kids being bullied online we need to bring this up and question the feelings of the victim.

With 25% of online teenagers experiencing some sort of bullying and nearly all users having witnessed some form of negative behaviour, the role of the bystander is our greatest asset in helping to eradicate the bully.  Getting our kids to stand up for the feelings of others who are being bullied can only be achieved if they have a strong sense of awareness of self and empathy for others.

Related posts: The Role of the Bystanders