How assertive are you? The importance of assertiveness for parent and child

What does it mean to be assertive?  How Assertive are you?  Why is assertiveness so important?  How can being a more assertive parent make for a happier child?

Are you someone who always avoids conflict, always doing whatever you can to keep the peace, often to your own detriment? Do you find yourself always saying yes when you should be saying no? Or are your children labelled as ‘shy’ or often victims of  bullying, unable to communicate their needs to the world outside the family home?

Whatever our personality type, and however confident we are in certain situations, there will always be times when we could benefit from challenging our own assertiveness skills.

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness refers to the way we communicate our needs with others. It is a trained pattern of behaviour that allows us to convey our feelings and emotions without violating the rights of others or having our own rights violated. It is that middle ground between being labelled aggressive or passive. Being assertive means we can ask for what we want, need or desire. We can say no when we need to and we can express emotion and feelings without being self conscious.

Why is it important to be assertive?

Self-Esteem- Assertive people tend to have greater confidence in themselves, a greater sense of their own identity, and subsequently a much higher self-esteem. By being able to state more clearly what our needs are, we are far more likely to have these needs met. If we have these needs met we are able to be more confident, if we are more confident we are more assertive, and the ripple effect continues.

Better Relationships- Assertive people tend to be happier in their relationships. Whilst aggressive people tend to alienate others, and passive people tend to shy away from conflict, both behaviours lead to long term relationship damage. Those able to comfortably communicate with others in an assertive manner therefore, are far more likely to maintain stronger, more supportive relationships.

Increased Happiness- When we are assertive we have a sense of  ‘this is who I am, what I feel and how I think’. Without that sense of identity we lose our sense of purpose and we suffer from a lack of control which in turn may lead to symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression.

So whilst we know that it is important and something we should be striving for, being more assertive is not always an easy change to make, particularly when current behaviours have been instilled from an early age.

When we were babies, we had no fear of expressing ourselves. My own newborn doesn’t seem to care who is around and listening and shows no signs of self consciousness when he is demanding to be fed. Likewise the 2 year old has no trouble getting his desires heard when demanding  asking  for a lollipop, milkshake or another biscuit.  But as we get older we begin to adapt our behaviours to the responses or lack thereof that we are faced with. Behaviour is subtly changed by models we are exposed to, and by encouragement from parents, family, friends, and school. We have all learned these behaviours, therefore it is possible to relearn and thus behave differently.

To determine whether we may need to challenge our own assertiveness, it can be helpful to ask ourselves how confident we are in different situations such as

  • complaining about a meal in a restaurant
  • initiating conversation with a stranger
  • discussing another persons criticism of you with them
  • telling a friend that something they do really bothers you
  • asking for and accepting constructive criticism
  • approaching another parent about their child’s behaviour

If improving your skills in any of these areas is something you think you could work on,  stay tuned for further strategies to help develop greater assertiveness for both yourself and you children.

Have you been in any situations lately that you wished you had handled with greater assertiveness?

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10 Responses to How assertive are you? The importance of assertiveness for parent and child

  1. Nee Say October 7, 2011 at 4:17 pm #

    Great post Martine. I am a strong believer in teaching my kids assertiveness, although I think it might be a genetic trait to some degree :)
    Nee Say recently posted…Things I know this weekMy Profile

    • Martine October 11, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

      Thanks, and yes genetics certainly comes into it but it is important to know that it is still something we can help to develop regardless of personality :-)

  2. Nathalie October 8, 2011 at 10:05 am #

    Love the post again an acquired life skill our children learn from us with our role modelling at the forefront on using our assertiveness in different situations. It’s an essential skill for life and the school years.

    • Martine October 11, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

      Thanks Nathalie and yes role modeling will certainly be the most important strategy to be discussed in the follow up post.

  3. Grady Pruitt October 10, 2011 at 7:48 am #

    I wish my wife could learn to be more assertive with our younger son. Particularly when it comes to getting him to go to bed. She has not been doing that. At some point, she will have to unless I can get to where I don’t have to work nights. I keep trying to get her to see it’s easier to do it now rather than later.

    Thanks for your post.
    Grady Pruitt recently posted…How To Discipline a ChildMy Profile

    • Martine October 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      Saying “no” or enforcing any rules and discipline is always a difficult task especially when it is often easier to give in than fight. But as you say it is important to look at the long term and know that by asserting ourselves early on, we set ourselves up to reap the benefits in the future. I hope she is able to come up with a better strategy to get him to bed as sometimes it also just becomes habit for them to play up and push the boundaries and so it is important to stop that behavior becoming part of their nightly routine. Best of luck.

  4. Linda October 15, 2011 at 4:30 am #

    It is great how you explained the importance of being assertive. Sometimes we need this especially if we want to be happy. This is an amazing trait to be taught to our kids and I would definitely want to learn how.
    Linda recently posted…dating manualMy Profile

  5. Carmen October 19, 2013 at 4:33 am #

    Howdy! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be
    okay. I’m absolutely enjoying your blog and look forward to new updates.
    Carmen recently posted…CarmenMy Profile

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