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Grief to Me

February 14, 2012 By 28 Comments

There are many similiarities in the way people deal with grief, but overwhelmingly, grief is a very individual experience. Lately I have heard many people asking for advice on how to process their grief or indeed how to go on living with the seemingly unbearable pain of loss. Many are often wanting reassurance that what they are feeling is normal. They want to know if and how it changes. They sometimes want to know strategies on how to move forward. They want to know if there is a timeframe. They want to know how it is they will ever feel joy again. These answers will always vary.

Here is how my grief has looked and will continue to look. It may be similiar to others. It may be completely different. What it does highlight is that it is disorganised, untimely, sometimes static and sometimes everchanging….but it can only ever be yours.

Grief to me

It is screaming so hard that you thought you might die or wish that you could.

It is that stabbing pain at the sudden intrusion to your daily walk

It is avoiding certain people

It is going to certain people

It is avoiding certain places

It is going to certain places

It is smiling at a past memory

It is gasping for air at a past memory

It is throwing things in anger

It is crying tears of joy for the happiness you see in your childrens eyes

It is heartache in the pit of your stomach camoflaged by a smile

It is snide remarks about others that you say only to yourself

It is picking up those around you

It is being picked up

It is rejoicing in a new life

It is fear

It is a gazillion cups of tea

It is hating some songs

It is loving more deeply

It is surprising yourself with laughter

It is holding a little bit tighter

It is forgiving more quickly

It is holding a grudge

It is walking at night not caring if you are safe

It is dreading a certain day, a time and a season

It is feeling joy like you never thought you would

It is hoping

It is all consuming

It is unending

It is a sole source of inspiration

It is mine

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Grief, birthdays and remembering

October 17, 2011 By 13 Comments

I struggled with a title for this post and also about the content as well. It could have been about friendships and how they have helped me in my grief. It was also going to be about remembering people on their birthdays and imagining all that they would be doing had they lived. It could also have been about the ‘sliding doors’ theory of how one moment in time can alter the course of so many lives from there on in. It could also have been about contemplating how old siblings need to be before they can understand that they should have had a ‘big’ sister. Will they then think they may not have been born? Would they have in fact been born?

But today I don’t really feel like writing. So instead I will share a photo of these gorgeous pink roses from a friends garden. She chased me down the road and handed them to me after I’d dropped the other kids at school, and simply said “You know I’m always thinking of you”. Those 4 pink roses represent the four years today since my little girl was born. I am so grateful to have so many beautiful family and friends who will never let my baby girl be forgotten.

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Dont be sad for me: babies and their gender

August 4, 2011 By 68 Comments

Recently somebody asked me if I knew the sex of my unborn child. “Yes we do” I replied proudly, “we are having another little boy”. Ready for the “oh how lovely” or the “wow that’s great but wont you be busy”, I was somewhat taken aback by the look of pity and dismay that accompanied the “but you already have 4 boys, Oh my God you poor thing”….“Will you try again for a girl?” As I mumbled a rather pathetic, “Oh no we are really excited and love our other boys so why wouldn’t we love this one”, I decided then to give in and smile politely and respond resolutely that, ‘no this was to be our last’. Is it because I have so many boys that it is deemed I should need a daughter, or worse still that I should not even want another son? Should I be already thinking about moving this one along so as I can get to work on making way for another “shot” at a little girl?  Would they have said that if they knew that we did in fact have a daughter who tragically passed away at 5 months of age? I guess not, as most who know me and know of our situation are more than elated when we inform them of the prospect of a new baby boy. They know the pain we endured and still do at the loss of a child. They know that whilst the child we have had and the subsequent child we will have following the death of our daughter have filled an enormous hole for us and provided myself and my family with untold joy. And they know these precious babies will never go near to replacing her, regardless of their gender. [Read more...]

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Helping Children Grieve Part 3: Practical ways for parents to help their children cope with loss

March 13, 2011 By 2 Comments

My previous posts have looked at helping children grieve and how a childs age and development can determine their reaction to grief. I will finish this by looking at some concrete ways in which we can help support our children through these difficult times.

 

Provide a safe place for them to vent their emotions. This can  be done through play, through drawing , through listening to or playing music or by writing a letter or keeping a journal. Writing (or keeping a blog) is a great way to help you make sense of all that is in your head, and can help to get your  feelings and emotions into some sort of perspective.

Allow children time to talk, ask questions and answer as truthfully as you can, in ways they can understand. Remembering that children process grief quite differently depending on their age and development.

Stick to as many family routines as you can. Children need to know that the world will still go on, despite the sadness and upheaval that surrounds them. Children thrive on routines and it is helpful for them to maintain a sense of stability and security. [Read more...]

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Helping Children Grieve Part 2 -How age can determine a childs response to grief

March 10, 2011 By 4 Comments

Whilst children respond very differently to the loss of a loved one, there does appear to be some identifiable patterns of behaviour largely determined by the age and developmental stage of the child. For us as parents this is useful in helping us determine the type of support we can offer our children. It can also help us come up with some strategies to help our children, and subsequently ourselves, in coming to terms with the whole grieving process.

In my last post Helping Children Grieve, I spoke about the different ways in which children respond to grief and the underlying need to have that grief acknowledged whatever the response.   [Read more...]

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