independence

The Dilemma of Privacy Issues Online: helping kids make a compromise

November 13, 2012 By Martine 19 Comments

This week I had a great conversation with my son about privacy and the online world. Well OK, it started off as more of an argument and there were some tense moments….but in the end I think we reached a compromise. And we bought to the surface some interesting dilemmas faced by our kids and indeed by us as parents.

Dilemma 1: he wants me to trust him

Dilemma 2: he wants to protect the privacy of his friends

Dilemma 1 for me: It’s not necessarily him I don’t trust

Dilemma 2 for me: finding the compromise between letting him test out the responsibility I am hoping I have instilled in him… and keeping a watchful eye that this ‘guidance’ is being adhered to. (After all….”God mum not everyone has a blogger for a mum so I think I have learnt everything I need!”)

This kid is particularly loyal. I would love to have him as a friend as he often puts others first. But our ‘conversation’ came about after I was quizzing him about his use of Kik and Instagram. I just wanted to check who he was talking to, what friends he was ‘connecting’ with….. he just wanted to protect what his friends were saying to him. He assured me there was nothing ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with what they were saying. It was just that he assumes responsibility for keeping their conversation private. So if I am found looking at stuff that his friends have written, then he is somehow betraying that trust.

The point I needed to make was, that no conversation he has with any other person online can ever be completely private. He and his friends need to understand that if they want to be absolutely certain no one else will read stuff, then they need not put it up in the first place. No one can guarantee their mum wont pick up their phone and scroll through. No one can guarantee the younger brother won’t come across conversations when searching for a game to play. No one can guarantee that a confiscated phone won’t be displaying a conversation to the teacher. No one can ever guarantee that words wont be forwarded, copied or shared. It is not the responsibility of the person with the device to keep things private, it is the responsibility of the person writing things online to be aware that there will always be a chance someone else will see it.

The compromise that we reached was that I can check who he is talking to, but I need not read the conversations they are having unless there are circumstances where I think it is warranted. But should he find the conversations are making him uncomfortable or if he thinks that what his friends are saying is not appropriate for online, then he will point that out to them or let them know that it should be better said in real life.

It is a work in progress…..a learning curve for all of us….and I suspect not the last time we will face a dilemma of privacy issues and the online world.

Have you had any issues relating to privacy and the online world with your kids?

Should you be Facebook friends with your kids?

Facebook Privacy settings

A summary of Social Networking sites

Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, Technology and Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: independence, internet, Parenting, privacy, rules, teenagers

11 Practical ways parents can help build self esteem

July 21, 2011 By Martine 22 Comments

Self esteem is one of the most important aspects of our children’s development. Having a healthy and positive self esteem means our children feel good about themselves, have the courage to try new things, the confidence to do things independently, to stand up for what they believe in, to take pride in themselves, to set goals and to accept and give love. As discussed previously, we are generally pretty good at the positive reinforcement and praise elements of building a positive self esteem, and are doing this well, particularly in the early years of development (think how excited we get when they take their first steps…or the jubilation with which we respond to a first wee on the potty). But as our kids get older we need to ensure that this self esteem remains firmly in tact, and must therefore rely on many other forms of confidence building to ensure it is not just about their achievements and the subsequent praise, but rather a more well rounded approach that includes many other skills and coping strategies in order for our children to help face the many challenges that will lay ahead. For praise alone will not sustain their skills, belief, integrity, assertiveness, acceptance, responsibility and sense of purpose.

Below are some of the many ways we can encourage and develop our children’s positive self esteem that can certainly start from very early in life, but must be continued throughout the adolescent and teenage years. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Discipline, Modern Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: advice, development, independence, Parenting, Resilience, risk-taking, self esteem

Why praise alone won’t build self esteem

July 14, 2011 By Martine 6 Comments

Having a positive self esteem is one of the most important aspects of our child’s development. Of all the judgements we pass in life, none is more important than the judgement we pass on ourselves. As parents we play a significant role in helping to nurture and develop this self esteem. We have been urged over and again to give praise, to reward and to cheer at every achievement. But have we got so good at the praising aspect of building self esteem that we are forgetting to develop some other very important life skills?

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for positive reinforcement…but do we sometimes go a little overboard praising our child’s achievements? There are certainly those times when a child putting on their socks and shoes or picking up their drink bottle off the floor is treated with the equivalent adulation to those making their way to the dais to receive an Olympic gold medal. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Modern Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: advice, development, encouragement, independence, Parenting, praise, self esteem, teenagers

Strategies to help children cope with anxiety

June 10, 2011 By Martine 11 Comments

Whilst anxiety can be a normal response to the fears and worries that present themseles to our children, there is also evidence of increasing instances of debilitating anxiety which is preventing our children from enjoying all that life has to offer. In my previous post we discussed what was normal when it came to our children’s anxiety and looked at the instances whereby anxiety was becoming an issue and hence something we may need to address in order to help our children with their coping skills.

Some of the strategies we as parents can use to help and prevent further anxiety are:

Try not to make too big a deal of situations that may cause your child distress as this can add to their anxiety.

I have counselled many adolescents whose anxiety is often fed by well meaning parents who are trying to protect their child from further distress. Children however are very good at feeding off the emotions of their parents [Read more...]

Filed Under: Modern Parenting Tagged With: advice, anxiety, coping, emotions, independence, Parenting, support, worry

From child to adult…the social and emotional changes affecting our teenagers

May 10, 2011 By Martine 24 Comments

“People spend their childhood learning to be like their parents and their adolescence learning who they are and how they are different from their parents” Miriam Kaufman

This quote pretty much sums up the effect of the emotional and social changes that take place when a child makes the transition from pre-pubescent ball of wonder and adoration to a teenager who is often moody, unpredictable and no longer showering you with affection and adulation. What happened in the blink of an eye? Where is that little inquisitive creature who would be constantly asking advice and seeking approval? [Read more...]