A Poem of loss….for us and too many others

Something a little different this week.

5 years ago today my brave little girl lost her fight for life. I have been loved and supported by so many in that time. On the day of her funeral my beautiful and talented friend Lucy wrote and read a poem for us. I thought it should be shared.  In my work as representative for Heartfelt, I hear almost every day of others enduring loss. So here it is, a poem for us and for too many others….

 

Our hearts will seem useless to a mother and father

whose child has gone like the days last sun-

but we will offer them anyway.

Our hearts with a room to hold their grief

to hold it up to the light

and see it drifting down to cover these people who dared to love

All words will appear clumsy and common

but we should open our mouths and say them.

Words with the warmth to build a fire

in a dark room of a future night

This is a poem for loss

to tell you we saw you love your daughter boldly and purely before she left

to tell you we know you will love her still

Her smile mirrored in the smile of the boys you will keep.

This is what we can offer-

the ink drying on the page

our restless sleep in which we dream to save her

our waking hours if you should need us

and the cruel confusion of all sorrow

and not knowing where to go now

into the changed day.

 

by Lucy Williams

 

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Grief to Me

There are many similiarities in the way people deal with grief, but overwhelmingly, grief is a very individual experience. Lately I have heard many people asking for advice on how to process their grief or indeed how to go on living with the seemingly unbearable pain of loss. Many are often wanting reassurance that what they are feeling is normal. They want to know if and how it changes. They sometimes want to know strategies on how to move forward. They want to know if there is a timeframe. They want to know how it is they will ever feel joy again. These answers will always vary.

Here is how my grief has looked and will continue to look. It may be similiar to others. It may be completely different. What it does highlight is that it is disorganised, untimely, sometimes static and sometimes everchanging….but it can only ever be yours.

Grief to me

It is screaming so hard that you thought you might die or wish that you could.

It is that stabbing pain at the sudden intrusion to your daily walk

It is avoiding certain people

It is going to certain people

It is avoiding certain places

It is going to certain places

It is smiling at a past memory

It is gasping for air at a past memory

It is throwing things in anger

It is crying tears of joy for the happiness you see in your childrens eyes

It is heartache in the pit of your stomach camoflaged by a smile

It is snide remarks about others that you say only to yourself

It is picking up those around you

It is being picked up

It is rejoicing in a new life

It is fear

It is a gazillion cups of tea

It is hating some songs

It is loving more deeply

It is surprising yourself with laughter

It is holding a little bit tighter

It is forgiving more quickly

It is holding a grudge

It is walking at night not caring if you are safe

It is dreading a certain day, a time and a season

It is feeling joy like you never thought you would

It is hoping

It is all consuming

It is unending

It is a sole source of inspiration

It is mine

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Mothers Day, My Nan and the Importance of Grandparents

As Mothers Day approaches,  I have been thinking about the presents I have to buy, the wondrous gifts I am about to receive from the proud shoppers at the primary school Mothers Day Stall and the fact that breakfast in bed will probably be a quick downing of Vegemite toast and a cup of tea before rushing off to the cold and fog of an early morning football game. 

But it  has also had me thinking more and more about my beautiful Nanna and the fact that this is the very first Mothers Day that we wont have her with us. And sadder still, this is the very first time that my mum wont have her mum with her on Mother’s Day. Like any times of celebration and appreciation, it can also be a time of sadness and reflection for times that were or could have been. I also think at this time of how there is one child that should be, but won’t be, jumping on my bed and making me a card each Mothers Day. I  think too of those friends and family who for whatever reasons were unable to have the children they so desperately wanted, and thus don’t have any little people to help make them breakfast in bed. [Read more...]

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Helping Children Grieve Part 3: Practical ways for parents to help their children cope with loss

My previous posts have looked at helping children grieve and how a childs age and development can determine their reaction to grief. I will finish this by looking at some concrete ways in which we can help support our children through these difficult times.

 

Provide a safe place for them to vent their emotions. This can  be done through play, through drawing , through listening to or playing music or by writing a letter or keeping a journal. Writing (or keeping a blog) is a great way to help you make sense of all that is in your head, and can help to get your  feelings and emotions into some sort of perspective.

Allow children time to talk, ask questions and answer as truthfully as you can, in ways they can understand. Remembering that children process grief quite differently depending on their age and development.

Stick to as many family routines as you can. Children need to know that the world will still go on, despite the sadness and upheaval that surrounds them. Children thrive on routines and it is helpful for them to maintain a sense of stability and security. [Read more...]

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Helping Children Grieve

Grieving is a very personal experience and many of us will find that we deal with grief in very different ways. This of course,  is the same for children.

 If a family has suffered the loss of a family member, friend or even a beloved pet, it is important that parents allow their children to grieve in their individual ways. Some will be overt in their grief, whilst others may appear as if nothing has changed. What is most important for any person who is grieving, is to have that grief acknowledged, and for them to be provided with a safe environment to deal with their emotions in a way that best meets their needs.

In the past, children were often shielded from being involved in a families grieving process, and this I believe must only have left them feeling fearful, confused and isolated.  Children instead should be allowed to see your grief and display their own, to hear your cries and cry their own tears.  [Read more...]

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