I want my boys to be strong

I want my boys to be strong. I am not talking about the size of their biceps or the weight of their bench press. As long as they are capable of carrying the groceries in from the car, then that is all the physical strength I need from them.

I want them to be strong in life.

I want them to be strong in feeling.

I want them to be able to feel all kinds of emotion and still thrive. I want them to take risks, to take on challenges, to look adversity in the eye, to scrape themselves off, to always find a way to keep going. I want them to know they are good enough. To know they are enough. They are imperfect, but they are enough.  I don’t think they can do that, without having real strength of feeling.

Strength to women it seems, is the ability to do all things at once, and all things well.

Strength to men, is not being perceived as weak.

Weak at anything.

I have counselled  fathers who have cried about not being able to provide. “Please don’t let them know I cried.” “They will think I am weak”. When a footballer cries on the football field, there are still some who see it as a sign of weakness. But how can he experience that true exhilaration of holding a premiership cup if he has never allowed himself to feel that pain?

We need fathers to say to their sons “me too”.  Or uncles, or friends, or grandparents. We need to be able to say “I know it hurts”. “I know it is embarrassing”. “I know you don’t know where to go from here”. Sometimes we need to let them lose. We must let our sons know that emotions need to be felt, to be lived and breathed and talked about and cried about, and shared. Only then can our kids know real joy. I have seen time and again well meaning parents trying to protect themselves and their kids from negative experiences creating a world that must be feared instead of lived. Instead we need to let them experience it all whilst they have the safety of the home to bounce from. Only then can they take those risks again. Only then can they believe in their ability to survive. To get up again. To turn to someone for help. To make real connections.

I want my kids to be happy. Of course everyone does.

But in order for that to happen. I need them to be strong.

 

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4 reasons why we need to switch off the technology and disconnect to reconnect

I do love technology and the changes it has made to my life. I can do lots of work from home and still be around for my kids. I can keep in contact with friends and family with very minimal effort. My kids benefit form the changes to learning and education. I have made great connections online that have resulted in great real life friendships. But. Sometimes I don’t like it so much. Sometimes it annoys me that it is another thing to nag about. It annoys me that it makes my kids grow up and see things before I want them to. It frustrates me that people can say things online they wouldn’t in real life. It makes me sad when I see people on it ALL the time.

So that is why I am going to Disconnect to Reconnect this Mothers Day weekend.

I need to make sure that myself and my kids get the balance right….or at least get a better balance.

Here are 4 reasons why I think we should all have a time to switch off and disconnect…….

Help with Time Limits

I have said it before and I will continue to nag it as my number one boundary to have regarding technology. Time limits are so important to help us all avoid so many different pitfalls. If we have time away and switch off all together, we are able to remind ourselves that we can get by without it. We can find other things to do and enjoy them too. We can connect with people on a different level. We can really be present.

Get in the trackies

Now I don’t wear trackies very often, and actually not in public unless I am participating in exercise. However I use the analogy of that feeling of getting home, taking off the heels, or the tight jeans and getting into something comfy and relaxing on the couch. That feeling of not caring who will see you means you can let it all hang out a bit. That’s how I think we need to feel with our online habits. When it comes to young people particularly, we know they feel ‘switched on’ socially all the time. They have to be present, ready for a selfie, ready to withstand the comments and feedback and friend requests and likes. Sometimes we all need a time to just ‘not care’ who is watching.

Find a new interest: its good to be bored

Last time I made my kids do this, my kids learnt how to play chess. They now have a great skill that they otherwise probably wouldn’t have had. If we are forced to look outside the square we may just find there are other pursuits waiting for us to explore. I could even pick up that guitar again…..

Remember the real life connections

Now I know the situation isn’t in such dire straits that our social skills are packing up and leaving us altogether!  It is important however, that we make ourselves truly present for each other. We need to sometimes remind ourselves to really listen. Not just mumbling an answer whilst you are in the middle of typing a blog post or answering an email. We need to take the time to listen and not just hear, and to look at each other without having one eye on a screen.

So wish me luck as we prepare to disconnect this weekend all in the name of charity and some fabulous personal benefits for the family as well.

If you haven’t done so already check out the Disconnect to Reconnect page on Facebook or go and sponsor me to raise money for disadvantaged kids to get the one on one attention they need.

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Whats normal for today’s kids? Is your child average?

When it comes to the common behaviours, beliefs and values of today’s kids, we are often hearing sweeping statements such as “kids of today…”, “”we didn’t have to….when I was young”, “they don’t know how good they’ve got it” etc etc

So what are kids really like today? Well in reality they are probably no different to the kids that I hung out with or my parents hung out with. What is different however, is the world in which they are growing up in. I am often reading and researching different statistics as well as interviewing and counselling children on their behaviours and thoughts and so I thought I would compile for you some of the major recurring themes of what the ‘average’ kid is doing and thinking today.  (All stats are from my own surveys with teens and from McAfees recent survey)

 

They want to be private

They want to be private, but mostly they are not. Or at least they want privacy from ‘oldies’ but forget they are hanging out in a public playground that allows viewing by all ages. [Read more...]

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Teaching kids empathy in order to tackle the bully

There was a documentary we sat down to watch with the 10 and 12 year old last week about a football team from America in the 60′s. It was the story of Ole Miss, the Mississippi University where riots ensued after JFK overruled the University Chancellor to allow James Meredith entry into the University as the first African American. The hate and discrimination was perplexing to say the least to our 2 boys. “Are they seriously protesting because he is black? It’s just skin colour?” We then proceeded to elaborate on the civil rights movement and the origins of the racism. What pleased me most I guess was the absolute disbelief that our kids showed. It is just not part of their world that people are discriminated against for skin colour or ethnicity. I know this is not necessarily the case for all kids but in this instance , we have certainly come a long way. They showed genuine empathy for Meredith and for all the African American children that were denied basic human rights. “But aren’t they exactly the same as the other kids?”.

 

I started thinking about this empathy that my kids felt and wondered how much it extends to other areas of life and discrimination. Empathy is such an important asset, particularly when dealing with bullies both online and in the real world. We know how important the bystander is in helping to curb bullying, and we know the bystander can only be effective if they have an ability to feel empathy.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is more than sympathy or feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is the ability to really put yourself in someone else’ shoes. It is taking on another’s perspective with the self awareness to distinguish ones own feelings from the feelings of others. Empathic behaviour means being aware of the environment and circumstance of others in order to regulate ones own emotional response. [Read more...]

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4 things I do everyday to keep my kids safe online

Despite being a cyber safety consultant and counsellor of many families that have struggled with online safety issues, my most important job is as a mother to 5 boys. There is no greater motivation for me to research the best ways to ensure responsible online use than the social, emotional and physical safety of my own children.

As a result there are many different ways I advocate for this to happen. There are many strategies, settings and skills that parents and kids need to understand. A few weeks ago I told you about the 4 things parents shouldn’t do with their kids online. Today, I am am reversing this to share with you the 4 things that I am doing everyday to help keep my kids safe online.

 

1. Remain a step ahead

From the toddler to the teen we always need to be a step ahead. Many parents believe this is nigh on impossible as our kids know so much. This is true. But we are the wise ones (or supposed to be) so use those understandings of human nature, cause and effect and consequence to keep ahead of our kids, even if they are a step ahead in the technology. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling left behind and thus refuse to attempt to understand. I may not know every app my kids are on but I am aware of what is out there, the skills they need to handle certain online interactions and I am constantly reminding them of the traps that others fall into. [Read more...]

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