emotions

I want my boys to be strong

May 20, 2013 By Martine 7 Comments

I want my boys to be strong. I am not talking about the size of their biceps or the weight of their bench press. As long as they are capable of carrying the groceries in from the car, then that is all the physical strength I need from them.

I want them to be strong in life.

I want them to be strong in feeling.

I want them to be able to feel all kinds of emotion and still thrive. I want them to take risks, to take on challenges, to look adversity in the eye, to scrape themselves off, to always find a way to keep going. I want them to know they are good enough. To know they are enough. They are imperfect, but they are enough. I don’t think they can do that, without having real strength of feeling.

Strength to women it seems, is the ability to do all things at once, and all things well.

Strength to men, is not being perceived as weak.

Weak at anything.

I have counselled fathers who have cried about not being able to provide. “Please don’t let them know I cried.” “They will think I am weak”. When a footballer cries on the football field, there are still some who see it as a sign of weakness. But how can he experience that true exhilaration of holding a premiership cup if he has never allowed himself to feel that pain?

We need fathers to say to their sons “me too”. Or uncles, or friends, or grandparents. We need to be able to say “I know it hurts”. “I know it is embarrassing”. “I know you don’t know where to go from here”. Sometimes we need to let them lose. We must let our sons know that emotions need to be felt, to be lived and breathed and talked about and cried about, and shared. Only then can our kids know real joy. I have seen time and again well meaning parents trying to protect themselves and their kids from negative experiences creating a world that must be feared instead of lived. Instead we need to let them experience it all whilst they have the safety of the home to bounce from. Only then can they take those risks again. Only then can they believe in their ability to survive. To get up again. To turn to someone for help. To make real connections.

I want my kids to be happy. Of course everyone does.

But in order for that to happen. I need them to be strong.

Filed Under: Communicating and Connecting, Modern Parenting, Teenagers Tagged With: communication, connecting, emotions, feelings, Parenting, Resilience

The Stepladder Approach to helping with anxiety

June 17, 2011 By Martine 4 Comments

When anxiety is beyond ‘being a little bit shy and awkward’ and develops instead into something unreasonably fearful, there are steps we as a parent can take in order to help our children conquer some of these moments and allow them to more fully immerse themselves in all the world has to offer. The stepladder approach or ‘gradual exposure’ is a technique to help people of all ages slowly learn to conquer their fears and tackle situations they would previously have perceived as overwhelming.

It is based on the principals of exposing ourselves to the fearful situations, but by doing so in a way that allows us to achieve small successes in order to move ourselves up the ladder to full exposure. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Modern Parenting Tagged With: advice, anxiety, coping, emotions, fear, Parenting, strategies, worry

Strategies to help children cope with anxiety

June 10, 2011 By Martine 11 Comments

Whilst anxiety can be a normal response to the fears and worries that present themseles to our children, there is also evidence of increasing instances of debilitating anxiety which is preventing our children from enjoying all that life has to offer. In my previous post we discussed what was normal when it came to our children’s anxiety and looked at the instances whereby anxiety was becoming an issue and hence something we may need to address in order to help our children with their coping skills.

Some of the strategies we as parents can use to help and prevent further anxiety are:

Try not to make too big a deal of situations that may cause your child distress as this can add to their anxiety.

I have counselled many adolescents whose anxiety is often fed by well meaning parents who are trying to protect their child from further distress. Children however are very good at feeding off the emotions of their parents [Read more...]

Filed Under: Modern Parenting Tagged With: advice, anxiety, coping, emotions, independence, Parenting, support, worry

From child to adult…the social and emotional changes affecting our teenagers

May 10, 2011 By Martine 24 Comments

“People spend their childhood learning to be like their parents and their adolescence learning who they are and how they are different from their parents” Miriam Kaufman

This quote pretty much sums up the effect of the emotional and social changes that take place when a child makes the transition from pre-pubescent ball of wonder and adoration to a teenager who is often moody, unpredictable and no longer showering you with affection and adulation. What happened in the blink of an eye? Where is that little inquisitive creature who would be constantly asking advice and seeking approval? [Read more...]