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Today my little girl would have been five: Heartfelt memories

October 17, 2012 By 43 Comments

Today my little girl would have turned 5. She would be getting ready to start school next year. She would have had nearly 2 wondrous years of kinder, playing games, making friends, bringing home enormous amounts of art and craft that I would admire, put on display for a little while and then secretly duck out to the recycling when she wasn’t looking. I don’t think of the milestones that were never reached very often. Maybe because I am so busy with the milestones of her brothers. Maybe because I am too busy with life, work and family commitments.  Or maybe because it is just too painful.

 

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about her. I don’t think there is a single thing I do in life now that I cant relate back to what she has given me. In my work I want people to enjoy their families. I want them to know how precious these moments are and I want them to do all they can to take away the stress and bring back more of the joy.  For my own family I want to experience this joy with them. I don’t want to wish away years waiting for that next stage. I don’t want to stress over the little things and forget the bigger picture. I don’t want to spend each day disciplining and yelling and nagging. I do those things when I have to. But I don’t want to be consumed by them.

 

People often ask me how I can volunteer for Heartfelt and be reminded daily of the loss that families experience. I have 4 months worth of photos of my little girl and I treasure every one. Every day when I take a call from a family who would like some photos, I feel a little of their pain. I do. But I want them to know that they will smile again. I want them to know that there will be days that are so dark that they are not sure they will ever see light again. But I want them to know that they will. They will laugh again. They will find joy in little things. They will have dark days again. And moments. And hours. And even months. But they will keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. They will even come to a time when they can smile at their photos. Not always. But sometimes. I want them to know that sometimes its good enough just to breathe.  And other times they will feel so happy that for a moment they will feel guilty. It is then they will remember, that they are determined to be happy for that little life that couldn’t be. That they owe it to that life cut short to live each day the best way they know how. I know my photos, keeping her memory alive, help me to do just that.

 

 

If you haven’t heard of Heartfelt and the amazing organisation that it is, then please visit the website and share.

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Grief, birthdays and remembering

October 17, 2011 By 13 Comments

I struggled with a title for this post and also about the content as well. It could have been about friendships and how they have helped me in my grief. It was also going to be about remembering people on their birthdays and imagining all that they would be doing had they lived. It could also have been about the ‘sliding doors’ theory of how one moment in time can alter the course of so many lives from there on in. It could also have been about contemplating how old siblings need to be before they can understand that they should have had a ‘big’ sister. Will they then think they may not have been born? Would they have in fact been born?

But today I don’t really feel like writing. So instead I will share a photo of these gorgeous pink roses from a friends garden. She chased me down the road and handed them to me after I’d dropped the other kids at school, and simply said “You know I’m always thinking of you”. Those 4 pink roses represent the four years today since my little girl was born. I am so grateful to have so many beautiful family and friends who will never let my baby girl be forgotten.

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Helping Children Grieve Part 3: Practical ways for parents to help their children cope with loss

March 13, 2011 By 2 Comments

My previous posts have looked at helping children grieve and how a childs age and development can determine their reaction to grief. I will finish this by looking at some concrete ways in which we can help support our children through these difficult times.

 

Provide a safe place for them to vent their emotions. This can  be done through play, through drawing , through listening to or playing music or by writing a letter or keeping a journal. Writing (or keeping a blog) is a great way to help you make sense of all that is in your head, and can help to get your  feelings and emotions into some sort of perspective.

Allow children time to talk, ask questions and answer as truthfully as you can, in ways they can understand. Remembering that children process grief quite differently depending on their age and development.

Stick to as many family routines as you can. Children need to know that the world will still go on, despite the sadness and upheaval that surrounds them. Children thrive on routines and it is helpful for them to maintain a sense of stability and security. [Read more...]

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Helping Children Grieve Part 2 -How age can determine a childs response to grief

March 10, 2011 By 4 Comments

Whilst children respond very differently to the loss of a loved one, there does appear to be some identifiable patterns of behaviour largely determined by the age and developmental stage of the child. For us as parents this is useful in helping us determine the type of support we can offer our children. It can also help us come up with some strategies to help our children, and subsequently ourselves, in coming to terms with the whole grieving process.

In my last post Helping Children Grieve, I spoke about the different ways in which children respond to grief and the underlying need to have that grief acknowledged whatever the response.   [Read more...]

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Helping Children Grieve

March 7, 2011 By 12 Comments

Grieving is a very personal experience and many of us will find that we deal with grief in very different ways. This of course,  is the same for children.

 If a family has suffered the loss of a family member, friend or even a beloved pet, it is important that parents allow their children to grieve in their individual ways. Some will be overt in their grief, whilst others may appear as if nothing has changed. What is most important for any person who is grieving, is to have that grief acknowledged, and for them to be provided with a safe environment to deal with their emotions in a way that best meets their needs.

In the past, children were often shielded from being involved in a families grieving process, and this I believe must only have left them feeling fearful, confused and isolated.  Children instead should be allowed to see your grief and display their own, to hear your cries and cry their own tears.  [Read more...]

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