Connecting with our kids: how do we keep it up?

connect,  parenting, fatherhoodWhat does it really take to connect with someone? We talk about quality time over quantity. We talk about the benefits of real life connections over those online. We talk about really listening rather than just hearing.

All these things are relevant and true.

After all connection is everything. It gives us purpose and meaning to all that we do. I know I would struggle to find relevance for anything I did without the sharing of those achievements, challenges, failures and successes with my family and friends.

But what does it take to really connect?

In my work I have often come across families that for whatever reason are stressed, fragmented and even hostile.

I hate hearing parents say their child is no fun to be around. That they don’t understand their world. That they are only interested in computer  games. That they have no concentration. That they are attention seeking. That they only care about their friends. That they don’t want to talk to them. All these things may have an element of truth. And certainly there are moments when we all may have felt some of these things.

But I believe all children really want is connection. They don’t always ask for it. They often don’t even realise that is what they want. And if they do know, they are unlikely to know how to articulate it. Most of the time it comes out in other ways.  It could be that attention deficit misbehaviour. It could be that closing up and refusing to talk. It could be that tantrum, that slammed door or that ‘I hate you’.

It is easy to connect with our kids when they are little. Their squidgy little faces are so easy to kiss. Their inability to move unaided means we are mostly holding them close, picking them up and carrying them from one destination to the next. Their reliance on us for everything ensures that we need them close in order to feed, bathe and keep them safe.

When they are toddlers and small children we know how much they want our attention. Apparently toddlers ask 467 questions on average a day! That can be genuine curiosity, but also a desire for attention. We know that as soon as we get on the phone they want something to eat. As soon as we sit down they need to go to the toilet.

But I now know if I set my 3 year old up with play dough or drawing and pay attention for 15 minutes, I can get maybe 30 minutes without him nagging me for something. Or some relative scale.

As they grow and their independence becomes more cool than mums hand, then we let go a little. And we should. But only in the physical sense. We still need to keep them close.  We still need to make sure they know we are there.

As my older boys enter in to that world of it not being so cool to hold mums hand, I am become very wary of how I keep those connections strong. Sometimes common interests and pursuits may allow it to happen more easily. Other times, it may require a more conscious effort. Here is what I hope to continue to do:

Make time:  A computer game we can play against each other, a visit to the coffee shop for a milkshake by ourselves. A chat before bedtime. A movie together. An outing to somewhere that interests them.

Take any opportunity: My eldest isn’t always forthcoming with a cuddle, but he is happy to take me on with some wrestling moves to see if he can flip me over (which he seems to be not far from achieving). I’m happy to take that though. Similarly, a drive in the car to sports training or a friends can sometimes get more out of my kids than sitting them down for a chat. It is important to use these moments to let your kids know that you are always able to turn your attention to them. Sometimes issues or concerns are more likely to be brought to the surface in these moments.

 

Listen to them: Let them ask questions and ask them questions. Try not to interrupt even when we believe we know exactly what they’re going to say. This is sometimes easier said than done for me and a constant work in progress!

With 5 children I think it is natural that they get different attention at different stages. As parents I believe we need to ensure that connection is always there, no matter what external challenges and difficulties arise.

Have you had to find different ways to connect with your kids? Or what are the memories of your connections with your own parents?

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Me time: Why parents need to have time to thy self

picnic, relaxing, flowersMe time. Something we crave but don’t always get? Or should it be something we actively seek to ensure we remain the best parents we can be?

Of course some of us are much better at finding the snippets of time for the self than others, and certainly circumstances can dictate how readily available that time is. Whatever your situation however, I think we all should strive for this time out for the self…and most importantly be sure that it is guilt free.

My previous post asked you to tell me what you would do if you had a day with no housework or domestic chores. I thought I’d share some of your suggestions in the hope that we might all try to do at least one of these things this week and really enjoy devoting some time to ourselves.

  • have a bubble bath
  • read a book
  • take a nap on the beach
  • catch up with girlfriends
  • pick some flowers
  • have a disco in the kitchen [Read more...]
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Don’t like housework? Win a Robomaid, sit back and relax

robomaidAs a work from home mum with 1 high school kid, 2 at primary school and 2 toddlers at home with me, it is fair to say ‘time management’ is one of my greatest challenges in life. Sometimes the days go swimmingly. I get lots done, dinner is organised before lunch and the laundry is empty. Only joking, the laundry is never empty. Other days I feel like I am sweeping, vacuuming, wiping, scrubbing, mixing, typing, nagging, driving…but still not really accomplishing much. I have had to learn to accept that. But still, I always wonder what it would feel like not to have anything at all to do around the house.

So when the lovely people at Robomaid felt a little of my pain and wanted to help that dream become a reality, I took the opportunity to let the little robot do my vacuuming whilst I sat back and had mojitos on the deck with one eye on a trashy mag and one on the children happily playing away. OK so it wasn’t necessarily a miracle worker but it did free me up to do more wiping, scrubbing, washing, mixing, nagging, driving etc [Read more...]

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Why I let my kids on Instagram and Kik: Parenting with social media networks

kids, technology, teenagersI get asked regularly what is the best age to allow children on social media?

Obviously there can be many factors that come into play, but generally speaking, the time is right when you can provide guidance and keep a close eye.

Here’s why I am ok with my kids being on social networking sites.

 

Kids need training in this. Behaviours need to be learned. They need time to work out what is and isn’t appropriate to say and do online. This stuff doesn’t always come naturally. Kids don’t always mean to be nasty. They don’t always intend to be reckless with the information they give out. They don’t think twice before posting an unattractive photo of a friend. They don’t always think of the negative feedback they may get when they put up a status update that asks the world if they are smart or sexy. [Read more...]

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I want my boys to be strong

I want my boys to be strong. I am not talking about the size of their biceps or the weight of their bench press. As long as they are capable of carrying the groceries in from the car, then that is all the physical strength I need from them.

I want them to be strong in life.

I want them to be strong in feeling.

I want them to be able to feel all kinds of emotion and still thrive. I want them to take risks, to take on challenges, to look adversity in the eye, to scrape themselves off, to always find a way to keep going. I want them to know they are good enough. To know they are enough. They are imperfect, but they are enough.  I don’t think they can do that, without having real strength of feeling.

Strength to women it seems, is the ability to do all things at once, and all things well.

Strength to men, is not being perceived as weak.

Weak at anything.

I have counselled  fathers who have cried about not being able to provide. “Please don’t let them know I cried.” “They will think I am weak”. When a footballer cries on the football field, there are still some who see it as a sign of weakness. But how can he experience that true exhilaration of holding a premiership cup if he has never allowed himself to feel that pain? [Read more...]

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